


This Is Home

by luciosan



Category: Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2018-06-05
Packaged: 2019-05-18 09:04:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14849838
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/luciosan/pseuds/luciosan
Summary: How long had it been since he'd last heard Lucifer's voice? Seen his soft smile? Embraced that comforting scent? Perhaps too long, Sandalphon thinks, and it's beginning to become apparent. 2000 years, and how easy it is for a memory to begin to fade.A memory...





	This Is Home

**Author's Note:**

> this fic didn't wanna co operate with me and i almost lost it lol
> 
> anyway, just a test on seeing if i can write sandal well enough before i move onto other things
> 
> also, cavetown songs seem to suit Sandalphon well huh
> 
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9YgmMJJ34k4

  **{**   _ **Often I am upset that I cannot fall in love but I guess**_  
_**This avoids the stress of falling out of it**_  
_**Are you tired of me yet?**_  
_**I’m a little sick right now but I swear**_  
**_When I’m ready I will fly us out of here_  ** **}**

How long had it been since he'd last heard Lucifer's voice? Seen his soft smile? Embraced that comforting scent? Perhaps too long, Sandalphon thinks, and it's beginning to become apparent. 2000 years, and how easy it is for a memory to begin to fade.

A memory...

Sandalphon sighs. Just the thought of that makes his loneliness grow; This room is too big, too quiet, for him to remember things like this but it's as though the cursed silence is a siren call that begs his memories to come forth. He hates it. He hates this feeling, this coldness, this weakness, eating away at him as he lays on his bed and allows it feast of his remaining strength. He throws an arm over his eyes as if to shield himself from the onslaught of unwelcome emotions escaping in the form of tears. The darkness he's found, though, only makes the remaining fragments of Lucifer's memory more vibrant, more realistic, with a form that Sandalphon could reach out and touch, the former primarch offering the soft smiles Sandalphon so missed--

_"Lucifer-sama...!"_

... And it fades.

And he's alone again.

 

**{ _I’ll cut my hair_**   
**_To make you stare_**   
**_I’ll hide my chest_**   
**_And I’ll figure out a way to get us out of here_ }**

 

Sandalphon preferred to hover behind other. Maybe it was out of habit, or his psyche speaking of how he viewed his self worth compared to anyone else, but it was a habit he'd come to find comfort in. Now, more than ever, he was thankful of how he'd isolate himself from groups, strangers, people who just would never understand him, his thoughts, his feelings, things that even Sandalphon couldn't understand about himself. It was easier to just pretend they weren't there than to address it-- people and his problems both applied to this mentality.

It wasn't healthy. He knew this. But it's so hard to escape from these problems when even thinking about it cause the scabbing wounds to burst wide open with crimson regret manifesting pain. The darkness of the coffee held between his hands seemed to mirror his current mental state, thoughts swirling around like the sugar that dissolves in his favourite brew, making things sweeter as they disappeared but never changing the color, his melancholy. Why wouldn't it lighten?

"Sandalphon?"

Tired eyes look up, surprised that someone is addressing him, encouraging Singularity to speak. The concern etched on their face is enough to make the Primarch's heart hurt more-- was he only good for causing others distress?

"Are you ok? You seem... off."

The two stared at each other. In the right place, right time, Sandalphon would at least have the energy to scoff and play off that he's fine, but even a fake smile come off sad when his eyes speak volumes about the feelings he can't talk about.

Silence again. It's probably best that way.

 

 **{ _Turn off your porcelain face_  
I can’t really think right now and this place  
Has too many colors enough to drive all of us insane  
Are you dead? Sometimes I think I’m dead  
Cause I can feel ghosts and ghouls wrapping my head  
But I don’t wanna fall asleep just yet**   **}**

 

 

Nights are the worst for him. The single bed feels too empty to give him the comfort it used to do. The room, as hollow as he is, resounds the noises he tries to ignore and cause the echos to grow louder. He covers his ears, turning onto his side, as if hoping that would stop anything.

But it's useless.

_He's useless._

If only he'd done what he was told, if only he wasn't so selfish, if only he had found any purpose at all... But could he have even protected Lucifer? Even if he tried? If he wanted to? The ifs that paint his mentality sour colors makes Sandalphon sick. A disgusting color scheme that has grown to represent him and closing his eyes does nothing to protect him from the horrid sight. It begins to twist, monsters forming from the thoughts that stab at him, surrounding him and watching him like vultures to an abandoned calf. And he cries.

Like the calf begs for it's mother to turn around, to help it, but the mother knows she cannot help-- it's already too late. She's unreachable.

_He's Unreachable._

A part of Sandalphon hopes his tears will bring Lucifer running to protect him like he did once so long ago. But the only Lucifer who arrives is the one he sees in his dreams. The same Lucifer who forces Sandalphon to rewatch the moment that left him alone again, and again.

_He doesn't like these dreams._

 

 

 **{ _My eyes went dark_  
I don’t know where  
My pupils are  
But I’ll figure out a way to get us out of here** **}**

 

Through the crack of his door, he observes. It's what he's best at anyway, not letting himself being taken into the mirth on the ship. It's noisy, loud, their rambunctious, and Sandalphon is a little jealous. He wonders, if he were a little braver today, would he join them? Would they even let him? He wonders if Lucifer would have wanted him to go.

Would Lucifer have wanted to go himself?

He imagines that soft smile, a voice encouraging them to relax, enjoy the day, _enjoy being with each other_. He wonders if the two of them would sit on the ship, enjoying their coffee, watching over everyone as they once did. Closer, this time, closer still. He smiles at this image. It brings tears to his eyes again, heart aching as he wishes, silently, that one day they could spend time together like that again. It didn't matter if it was back in Canaan, or here on the Grandcypher. It didn't matter if he had to deal with Lyria, Singularity, Vyrn, any of them-- so long as he could see Lucifer again.

And then he remembers.

_And then he's alone again._

 

 

 **{ _Get a load of this monster_  
He doesn’t know how to communicate  
His mind is in a different place  
Will everybody please give him a little bit of space?** **}**

 

"Sandalphon, please talk to us."

How many days has it been? He rarely steps foot out of his room these days, showing up to maybe grab a cup of coffee but, otherwise, he has completely isolated himself. Singularity stands outside his door, Lyria's voice drifting through it, and the two of them plea with the angel to do anything, _anything,_ to show he's ok. No. He doesn't want that. _He doesn't deserve it._ He's hurt them so badly in the past, he's tried to take away everything they loved, everything they knew, and now that the tables turned on him... Why won't they hate him? Why don't they leave him alone to fester?

_Isn't losing Lucifer his punishment after all?_

He cradles his head in his hands, it's all he can do to try and hold onto himself. The two on the other side of the wooden barrier knock again, calling for Sandalphon, wishing to save the last bit of his sanity. But he's gone. **_He's_ ** _gone_.

"Lucifer..." He hopes those beyond the wooden barrier can't hear him. Maybe their hushed whispers are enough to drown out the sound of his pain, his anguish, he pleas to be told that everything was just a bad dream.

"... We'll be out here if you need us."

 

 **{**   _ **Get a load of this trainwreck**_  
_**His hair’s a mess and he doesn’t know who he is yet**_   **}**

 

 

He listens to their footsteps fading, and he realizes he's alone again... And it's his fault.

But, unlike with Lucifer, this is fixable... He can fix this, can't he? No. This is his divine punishment. His and his alone. He shouldn't force anyone to take on what is his and... and...

And he thinks. He was created for nothing. His existence was made just to fill a spot that was already claimed. And yet, here he is, filling his created purpose at a cost. He'd already come to terms with being a replacement, but now it just hurts. It hurts because...

 _"You're unique, in that your existence isn't already set in stone."_ He hears a voice-- or maybe it's his tired delirium finally snapping his mind in two. Regardless, he listens.

 _"You have a job to do, but how you get there is up to you. You're the only one of us who bore this freedom."_ This freedom that hurt so many, _"I want you to live a life where you're happy, and proud,"_ Please, stop this cruel joke, _"I want you to have the freedom I never had,"_ This isn't fair, _"Please. Live the best life you can."_ Don't speak like this, _"Sandalphon... Please, don't hurt yourself more. Please, live for me."_

**_Please. Please don't leave me._ **

All Lucifer does is offer that gentle smile Sandalphon loves.

 

 

 **{ _But little do we know, the stars  
Welcome him with open arms_**   **}**

 

He doesn't expect the attention he gets when he walks through the deck that evening, making his way to the kitchen. It makes him nervous, a little sick, but he'll be damned if he shows that much more weakness, not when he's come this far. Sandalphon hovers outside the kitchen, listening to the murmurs from within. Lyria, Singularity, and a few others he hasn't quite come to remember yet. His mental state seems to be a popular topic right now... _I'm sorry._

Stepping into the kitchen, he closes the door behind him, before wishing he could shrink away under the gaze of the crowd formed in the kitchen. He stands, trying to appear as together as he can, but the way his gaze drifts to the floor shows he's barely holding in whatever emotions are threatening to spill over.

"Sandalphon, ar--"

"I'm sorry."

Singularity stares at him, blinking, as if confused by Sandalphon's words. They look towards Lyria, hoping to find an answer to Sandalphon's suddenly strange action, but only finds the blue haired girl to be equally as confused.

"You..."

"I'm sorry. I'm just..." He hesitates, "This whole thing... it's nothing I've ever felt before."

_Please don't abandon me too._

A soft voice, weak and tearful like a scared child, reaches their ears. No, Sandalphon didn't say it himself, but...

They smile, moving over to make a space between they and Lyria.

"Wanna join us? We were about to have some coffee."

He watches, emotions bubbling over a little and making his eyes misty, before he takes the offered space. Perhaps, this is his purpose. Just to be here.

And that's ok.

 

 **{**   _ **Time is**_  
_**Slowly**_  
_**Tracing his face**_   **}**

 

How long had it been since he'd last heard Lucifer's voice? Seen his soft smile? Embraced that comforting scent? Perhaps too long, Sandalphon thinks, and it's beginning to become apparent. 2000 years, and how easy it is for a memory to begin to fade.

A memory...

It's sad, losing the remains of such a precious thing he loved but, if the cost of losing that memory is to replace it with another...

"Hey, Sandalphon! We're heading into town, want to join us?"

He smiles as he turns to the group that calls out to him and thinks; An arrangement like that will satisfy him for now.

 

 **{**   _ **But strangely he feels at home in this place**_   **}**


End file.
